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i've been a little sad lately. i always, always, always wanted to have 3 kids. that was my plan, have 3 & spoil the middle one. you know, since i am the middle child. ahem...no seriously, i really did want to have 3 kids. after olivia, jarrett said he would be happy with her as an only child. me, definitely not so much. then after rachel, jarrett again said we were done with the 2 girls. this way they have each other. he thought if we had another that it would, no doubt, be another girl. not that there would be anything wrong with 3 girls. it would just make him a little extra crazy & stressed out. you know, 4 women under 1 roof.

anyway, i had been working on him. let's try for #3. really, i think it would be a good idea. then reality set in. if we have #3 we will be, in a way, starting over. not that we couldn't start over, or wouldn't start over if we were blessed with a pregnancy. but we really got to thinking it over. we are happy as a family of 4. we are happy with 2 beautiful daughters. we have been blessed beyond words with how happy, healthy, wild, smart, & crazy our 2 gorgeous girls are. we had settled 2 it is. we are happy.

then...BAM. pulmonary embolisms, you suck.

deciding we were done having children as a joint decision with my husband, is totally & completely different than being told by a doctor that i probably shouldn't have any more children.

it makes my heart hurt. an aching for what could have been. a little Allison June, or a little Easton Jarrett. we will probably never know.

then i see these girls...

...and my heart doesn't hurt so much. because my Olivia Grace & my Rachel Claire are here. they are growing up. they are wonderfully funny & smart. they are sassy & a little nutso. they make my heart happy.