2 years

it has been exactly 2 years since the scariest day of my life.

just a reminder to myself...

although things may be tough at times, it could be much worse.

i'm thankful for the morning fights with olivia.
i'm thankful for rachel telling me she can't wear pants.
i'm thankful for jarrett & his constant ranting & raving about all things political.
i'm thankful for being alive.
i'm thankful for the day.

the BEST phone call ever

My CT scan came back perfect.

No more pulmonary embolism.

I can discontinue my coumadin.

This 10 second phone call was the best phone call ever.

Now, onto feeling normal.

WOOT WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!

oh what a beautiful morning

Today was the day. I had my repeat CT scan to check my progress. Let's keep our fingers crossed that the clots are all gone. And for your viewing pleasure, I snapped a couple of pics with my cellphone.

6 months yesterday

Yesterday marked 6 months since I was diagnosed with bilateral pulmonary embolism or (emboli - for plural since there were 2 in my left lung & 1 in my right). Whatever it's called, it sucked 110%.

Comparing how I feel now with how I felt that day, I am doing so much better. However, I still don't feel great. I have good days. In fact, I have a lot more good days than bad days now - a vast improvement from where I was 6 months ago. I venture to say, a lot of why I don't feel great yet is because of my old friend, coumadin. That medicine continually makes me feel like crap.

Buuuut, I have good news. Well, maybe not official good news...yet. I am going to have a repeat CT scan tomorrow to check my progress. In the beginning, I was told I would have to be on coumadin for 6 months. 6 months has passed. I could come off. But some people (my doctor, my mother, & my husband) want me to have this CT scan to see where I am. Where are the clots? My prayer is that they are gone. If that is the case, I get to come off coumadin.

My Mom asked me what I want for my birthday, my response "to be off blood thinners". You know, because it is good to have goals! Ha!

three months

Today marks three months...

three months of pain
three months of anxiety
three months of fear, will it happen again
three months of several pills
three months of having my blood drawn once a week

In this life, we have so many choices. I have struggled with many choices. I worry about everything. I have most generally been a glass half empty kind of gal. I don't have this or that, I can't do this, etc...

I can choose to focus on the unfortunate things that have taken place in the past three months. Or I can choose to focus on the fortunate things that have taken place in the past three months.

I choose to focus on positive. I survived what many people, very sadly, don't survive. I have read countless articles on treatment, causes, & recovery from pulmonary embolism. I was on information overload. All of my research almost caused me more stress. Until I read this..."if you have been diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism, you are lucky - lots of people never know & it is only found in an autopsy."

An autopsy...

I may have been in the hospital for 4 days. I may have to have my blood drawn once a week. But at least I am here to do that. I now consider the pain, blood draws, pills, & changed doses to be minor inconveniences.

*****

Today marks three months.

three months of living
three months of laughing
three months of precious time with my family & friends.

It all could have been taken from me. I could have been taken from them. But I wasn't. I lived. And I continue to live.

I feel like this past three months have been such an eye-opener for me. Like, hello Natalie! Lets focus on the good things in your life. And believe me, I have so many things to be thankful for. Life is too short for petty jealousy & high school drama.

I am happy. I am thankful. I am so in love with my husband & daughters. I have been blessed beyond words. I'm just a little sorry that it took these past three months for me to realize it.

excuse me while i whine a little

this past weekend i was feeling pretty good. i went to the mall. we had an awesome easter. monday & tuesday were great days for me. i had my spunk back. i was being witty & sarcastic. i was pretty much really beginning to feel like my old self.

since i was feeling good, i thought i would do a post about how good i was feeling. i scheduled it to post thursday evening along with my "there goes my shot at being a princess" stuff. unfortunately, i had to cancel it from being published.

i had a craptastic blood draw wednesday that made my whole arm hurt. i'm convinced that poor vein in my left arm is shot. i suggested long ago that they alternate arms for me...oh no, they don't like to do that. like the blood in my right arm is going to be different from the blood in my left arm?! i digress...

when the labs came back, i received the call. evidently, all was not well with my pro-time. i had to increase my coumadin for wednesday drastically. that pretty much kicked my ass. i felt rotten by bedtime wednesday night. i slept til noon on thursday. i didn't make it through the work day friday. poor miss maggie at the dr's office. she caught the brunt of my frustration. i need to apologize when i see her tomorrow.

what is making me still feel bad? the medicine that is helping me, or just the fact that i still feel like shit? pardon my language, but come on! i'm so over not feeling good. i don't even like to tell people who ask me the truth anymore. it's just easier & less frustrating for me to say that i'm feeling good.

I'm Baaaack...I'm Baaaaack in the Saddle Again

A full 5 weeks after being discharged from the hospital & I am officially back at work. It feels good to say this, so I have been saying it quite a bit. I feel pretty good. Still not 100%, I think that will come in due time.

Over the 5 weeks & 4 days since this journey started, I feel like I have come full circle. I'm more relaxed. I'm growing more comfortable in my new normal.

I have learned that this recovery isn't only physical, it's mental as well. It's ok for me to admit that I was scared, & that I am still a little scared at times.

But today, I feel pretty good. I spent a good portion of my day Friday reading everything I could read on the interwebs about pulmonary embolism recovery. I kept telling myself, this has got to be in your head. You should be feeling better by now. I am happy to report that, I am not crazy. This isn't all in my head. I was worried that I was going to start alienating the people who really love me & care about me with my constant reports of "I don't feel good today." But thankfully, that has yet to happen.

The information I found gave ranges from a couple of weeks to a full year before people felt they were truly back to 100%. Oddly enough, this put my mind at ease. It's like a lightbulf finally came on - eventually I will get better. I don't need to wallow in my self-pity.

For a while, I had the mindset that if I acted like I felt better then I would feel better. You know, mind over matter. But that didn't really work for me. I have come to terms with my current state physically, which has helped me mentally. It's ok that I don't feel great yet. It's going to take time.

I feel better though, that is what is important. And I like to think that I look a little better too. What do you think?